My Story
A mother's worse nightmare is that the children she bares will not live to see the sunrise tomorrow. When I first learned that my two youngest son's were using crystal methamphetamine, "ice", the earth opened up from beneath me and I sunk into a bottomless pit of blame and self-bashing. I had spent eight years following my divorce, trying to "find" myself, with no real direction, just a lot of chaos and confusion. This left my kids vulnerable to what's out there in the real world. I had let them slip through the cracks and into the world of drugs. What is it they say about "hindsight?" If only I had done things differently, my boys may not have turned to drugs to ease their pain. If only I wasn't so consumed in self pity, my boys may have been spared all the needless grief they had to endure alone. If only I had been a better mother. If only this and if only that. My list of "if only" could take a life time to jot down.
The past year has been a struggle trying to save my son's lives. There's just no way that I could ever take back all of the mistakes I have made. All I can do is be there for them now. In a weird sort of way, being there for them has meant that I had to set rules for them, and, I had to stick to it! The rules in my case meant that I would not allow my son's to use drugs in my home, nor would I put up with their out of control behavior. The battle that ensued after laying down the rules, took the form of me being a full time warden. If they got caught using drugs, I called the police and filed a report against them. If any drugs or paraphernilia was found in the house, I called the police again. If they started "tweaking" after using drugs, which usually took the form of agitation and aggression toward me, I called the police again, and again, and again! I began to draw weary from having to repair walls, doors and windows. Their delusions, paranoia and hallucinations were getting worse after each episode. I became more and more afraid that my kids would kill me one day, if not themselves. I have devoted myself completely to my boys recovery, despite the fact that their sobriety is dependent on them wanting it and has nothing to do with me wanting it for them. I have been going to a special kind of support group which is attended by alcoholics, drug addicts and families and friends that are enablers like myself. The program follows the 12-steps of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), but is different in that we all meet under the same roof and openly share our stories. A real healing takes place when an addict can relate to your story and have compassion for you. And by the same token, I have come to better understand the addict who is in such despair on their journey to sobriety. Although I can never fully appreciate what the addict is experiencing, I can show compassion and acceptance for another human being.
In the months that have passed since attending my first support group meeting, I have learned to stop fixating on my boy's addiction and have started to do some positive things in my life. It's not to say that things are getting any easier for me or that I've given up on my sons. If you're reading this, then you'll know that this is a big step in a positive direction for me. Rather than sit at home and cry over all my woes, I have chosen to help myself by helping others. I printed up some personal business cards and brochures and have taken my story to my community. I share my story of grief, and my story of triumph in fighting against "ice". I have met many families along the way who need help in dealing with their addict(s) and many more families that are raising their grandchildren, some who are born addicted to drugs. I've been surprised by all the people who stop me in the streets, in restaurants, in airplanes or call me on the phone. Many just want to lend me their support. Others, cry out for help! PA'I is more than just People Against "Ice".
Sharing my story is my way of giving back to all those people who have helped me survive my ordeal, "One Day At A Time".
Leka: paikona@hawaii.rr.com© COPYRIGHT 2004 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED PA'IKONA.COM
